Correcting the Hormonal Imbalance in Springfield

State Senator Debbie Halverson seems to think there are differences between men and women but unlike Larry Summers, the President of Harvard, she is not being politically corrected for those thoughts. She is not saying there are differences in math and science ability between men and women, as Summers did, but differences in governing ability.

As quoted on Sept 21st Halverson thinks there is too much testosterone and that is the cause of many of the problems at the state Capitol. “If I was in on those meetings, things would not be going that way. Too much testosterone in there, if you know what I mean.” Her solution to the problem? Elect more women, thus leveling the testosterone-to-estrogen ratio.

At Harvard, after the Summers brouhaha, they have established a fund to help women professors cope by offering such services as pre-school and babysitting. I think Illinois should do something similar by offering services to male politicians to help them cope with their, shall we say, hormonal vagaries.

For example, seminars on Warm Hugging could be offered emphasizing the female alternative to the handshake. Men have been seen doing this with other men, to a degree, at weddings and funerals but they have shown an unwillingness to do this routinely in public. Most men would have a timing problem with this approach i.e. how long do you do the hug before it becomes something more than a greeting? Women might say 20-30 seconds (while you whisper in the other persons ear) while men would be uncomfortable with more than 20 or 30 nanoseconds. This could be called the Senator Larry Craig syndrome. It’s a problem but perhaps, with training, not an insurmountable one.

Another seminar could be titled Handholding for Compromise, subtitled The President did it with a Sheik, so you can too! Discussion subjects would include Entwined Fingers & Do’s and Don’ts. Should you do it during vote counts and Washing Hands Now More Important than Ever. And to show his leadership on this issue I think the Gov should announce that he, Mayor Daley and arch opponent Michael Madigan will walk hand-in-hand in next St. Patrick Day Parade.

The final seminar would be Dressing for Congeniality where the Governor would learn that the dark suits and tight neckties he has a tendency to wear have been shown to increase levels of testosterone causing the confrontational behavior that so often impacts negatively on political compromise. And to show that he is a true leader and is committed to developing his feminine side, the Governor will show up at his next press conference wearing a bolo tie and a cardigan sweater.

Otherwise Senator Halverson may have to introduce new legislation requiring estrogen drug therapy for all elected menopausal males whenever the budget is passed on time. Stay tuned.

Bill Zettler is the owner of a computer-consulting firm in Illinois.