Obama: Destroy ATM’s and Bring Back Buggy Whips To Solve Unemployment Problem

President appoints Amish buggy maker to Council of Economic Advisors.

Two days after electrifying the nation with his brilliant economic analysis of the nation’s increasingly stubborn unemployment problem President Obama proclaimed his birthday as official “Luddite Appreciation Day.”

“You know” the President said, his head swinging gracefully from left to right as he squinted at the teleprompters, “the Luddites were vastly under appreciated during their time, something like Fox News treats me – harshly and unfairly. What most people don’t realize is that the Luddites were some of the first progressives, attacking, as I do, big corporate giveaways and low taxes on millionaires and billionaires.”

Warming up the President continued, “When the Luddites attacked ATL’s – that’s what they called Automated Textile Looms in those days – it was no different than my attacks on ATM’s. Except, of course, they used sledgehammers whereas I use my brilliant pattern-recognizing prophetic cognition – a gift really – to analyze and dissect – accurately I might add – things I know absolutely nothing about.”

When asked by a reporter from the Pendleton Oklahoma News-Gazette whether he had ever had a college course in Economics or Industrial Engineering, the president responded, standing on tippy-toes in order to see over the teleprompter, “No – but then what part of ‘my brilliant pattern-recognizing prophetic cognition’ don’t you understand?”

Continuing on his theme of neo-Luddite political philosophy, the President reached down and grabbed one of his $600 Prada loafers and held it up for all to see. Listing slightly to the left because of one-shoe-off, one-shoe-on, he earnestly said, “And here’s another way to increase employment – everyone should wear $600 hand-made shoes – no more shoe machines to ruin the middle class. In fact one of my campaign themes for 2012 will be ‘One shoe, one job’.”

When a new York Times reporter hesitantly suggested about 300 million Americans could not afford $600 shoes the president quickly responded “Ben Bernanke has assured me all shoes will cost at least $600 by the end of my first term – see there is another example – one of many I might add – of my brilliant pattern-recognizing prophetic cognition.”

The President then went on to explain his appointment of Amish buggy maker Heinrich Buggywhipem to his Council of Economic Advisors. “Mr. Buggywhipem represents what’s best in America – the small businessman struggling to get low-interest loans from the corrupt fat-cats in Wall Street so he can expand his business. In fact Heinrich just told me he has just received a huge new order for buggy whips from a company called s-and-m.com, proving once again, my brilliant pattern-recognizing prophetic cognition. His immediate goal is to hire more Amish-Americans, a truly mistreated minority. Why are there no German as a Second Language classes for the Amish?”

Raising her hand boldly and decisively from her center front seat Huffington Post blogger Emma Whiner got the President’s attention and he called on her, “Yes Ms. Weiner – er I mean Whiner, what is your incisive and trenchant question?”

“Excuse me Mr. President but it’s kinda hot and humid in here” as she grabbed rather awkwardly at her black leather slacks with a slightly tarnished “Hope and Change” button attached to the belt. “Mr. President as one who really, REALLY does understand your brilliant pattern-recognizing prophetic cognition I want you – and the world – to know that I am going to set the record straight about the evils of ATM’s and airport kiosks being purposely perpetrated on the beleaguered middle class by millionaires, billionaires and racist tea-party activists. So my question is Mr. President, now that China owns Volvo what kind of car should I buy?”

“Great question Ms. Whiner! Since our solar powered bullet trains won’t be ready for a few years, might I suggest one of Mr. Buggywhipem’s vehicles with or without the spare whip.”

“As you and I know, Ms. Whiner, progressivism is all about moving backwards.”

Thank you Mr. President.

Bill Zettler is a free-lance writer and consultant specializing in public sector compensation.